Dumpster Diving and Other Adventures with My Mother-in-Law

Sunday morning Husbandji and I were doing things around the house.

I was surfing for porndoing some online research down in the finished basement.

Husbandji was upstairs talking to Tiamat.

How do I know this?

Because at one point, I distinctly heard him say “Oh Maaaaaaaaaaaa!!”.

Which meant that she had done something really stupid.

A few minutes later Husbandji comes downstairs and we had a conversation.

Husbandji: Let me ask you a hypothetical question…

TigerYogiji: What did your mother do this time?

H: Why do you assume my mother did something?!!!

TY: Because I could hear you yelling at her from down here…

Anyway….this is the story.

Tiamat realized Sunday morning that her checkbook had been missing since Thursday!

After checking with the bank, we were able to determine that none of the missing checks (thankfully only five were left in her book) had been cashed as of the close of business on Friday. So we put a “Stop Payment” on them, and Husbandji was going to keep an eye on the account for the next week or so.

And we thought that that was that.

But, oh no.

Not when Tiamat is involved.

A little later that morning, the thought occurred to her that she just might have thrown the checkbook away in the trash. She wasn’t certain, but, it was a definite possibility.

The only problem was that she had already thrown her trash into the apartment complex dumpster.

But she just had to know if the checkbook might be in there!!

So guess who got to go “dumpster diving” in order to give Tiamat some peace of mind?

Her darling son!

Ultimately, he found her trash, but, surprise! surprise!, the checkbook wasn’t in the bag!

Sigh.

So, after Husbandji disinfected himselfwashed up, we got ready to go to a birthday party for Husbandji’s brother “M”‘s wife.

She turned 60 this year (although mentally she’s closer to 6!).

The festivities were held at a hole in the wall quaint little Italian restaurant in the high crime district historic area of the city.

When we arrived, we discovered that instead of it being a nice sit-down dinner, it was, in fact, a pizza party. (For a 60 year old?!! Jinkies!!! Why didn’t we just go to Chuck E. Cheese?!!!)

The pizza was actually pretty good, and of course, so was the entertainment.

And by entertainment, I mean Husbandji’s family.

Tiamat, miracle of miracles, was actually behaving herself. But, that was only because there were people of her age there as well, and I suppose that buried down in all of that stupidity somewhere, there is an element of dignity and decorum that prevented her from acting the fool in front of strangers.

The “Birthday Girl” (aka Idiot Wife (“IW”)) on the other hand, was in rare form.

Three times during the meal (Count them! Three times!!) she stood up at the table and announced to the family what her children had given to her for her birthday! Three times!!!

And just in case we had somehow missed these announcements, “M” stood up and repeated them again!

We were then subjected toentertained by IW’s little granddaughters, who sang “Happy Birthday” to their delighted Grandmother.

Five times.

That’s right. Five times they sang that fucking song and we had to applaud after each rendition.

Finally the nightmare was over the party came to an end.

Husbandji and I drove Tiamat home, and the whole way home she complained about how her youngest son “A”, who had to leave the festivities early, hadn’t come over and kissed her good-bye before he left.

She complained about this over and over again.

At one point she even said; “And if he thinks that I didn’t notice, he’s wrong! I am very observant!” ( to which I had to bite my tongue until it bled! Tiamat is many, many, things. But the one thing that she isn’t, is observant!!).

We eventually dumped her off at her home and went home ourselves.

Only to have the phone ring half an hour later.

Tiamat wanted to warn Husbandji to “be careful” when he drives to work tomorrow, because we were going to have some freezing rain and sleet overnight.

Good thing that she called. I don’t suppose that a 43 year old man, who had been driving himself for the past 27 years would know what to do in such a situation!

Unbelievable…

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11 Comments

  1. Lemuel said,

    December 10, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Somehow as I read your post (and in my sick sense of humor I *always* enjoy stories of Tiamat), I was recalling scenes from the movie “Mambo Italiano” that I just saw for the first time last week on Logo. Somehow the birthday party at the pizza place just seemed to be a deleted scene from the movie.

  2. Joe said,

    December 10, 2007 at 2:01 pm

    This reminds me to not lament being single so much. On the cusp of 40, I’ve just barely gotten to the point where I can deal with my own family, let alone someone else’s.

  3. deweydjb said,

    December 10, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    I guess she didn’t “Observe” where she put her checkbook! You failed to tell us what the birthday girls daughters gave her! It must have been spectacular if she mentioned it so many times. A rhinestone Tiara? A massage by Sven? A Pink Poodle skirt? Your blog is better than TV!

    TigerYogiji replies: As I recall, it was nothing special. Some wine and flowers? I know that a bouquet of flowers was involved…

  4. Java said,

    December 10, 2007 at 8:01 pm

    The stories of the in-laws are great entertainment. Probably better from this perspective because we don’t have to actually be in the presence of these …um, people?
    As for surfing for porn, the official phrase we use around here is “doing research.”

  5. Maggie said,

    December 10, 2007 at 9:10 pm

    Ahhh, another wonderful and entertaining story of Tiamat. Your tales of her never fail to make me smile . I realize this is not the same for you but thanks anyway. 🙂

    Another bit in your story that made me laugh was, “We eventually dumped her off at her home “.

    That was Dumster *Driving* at it’s best!!!!!!

    FAMILY, ya gotta love ’em or hate ’em…………..

  6. urspo said,

    December 11, 2007 at 12:06 am

    hohoho
    jolly good fun reading but with schadenfreude.

    TigerYogiji replies: It’s good to know that my pain and suffering ain’t for nuthin’…. 😉

  7. catty bitch said,

    December 11, 2007 at 10:29 am

    Every time I read one of these stories I just groan for you.

    You bear your karma well, though.

  8. December 11, 2007 at 6:11 pm

    LOL
    She has your husband wrapped around her finger!

  9. AZ said,

    December 13, 2007 at 7:16 pm

    Oh, how I have missed these crazy family stories!

  10. Pink said,

    December 15, 2007 at 2:39 am

    I love your stories. They make me happy I’m not ‘married’ with any partner’s inlaws!
    xx
    pinks

    PS – did she tell you what her kids got her? It would have been sweet if her grandchildren had sang her happy birthday 😉

  11. December 15, 2007 at 10:53 am

    […] catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are? Unlike my mother-in-law, I am very observant. I pick up on things that a lot of people tend to miss… Well, there […]


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