The Mr. Peenee Auto Haiku Tag Meme

 That darling, Mr. Peenee, (please note, this isn’t Mr. Peenee in the photo…as far as I know…) has tagged me for a meme that he himself created! Here’s how it goes:

In five syllables, no more, no less, describe the worst movie you can think of.  
You can include separately the title and a description, but the line can only be
five syllables.

In seven syllables, no more, no less, describe your worst date.   Certainly,
describe in an aside the situation.  Bonus points if it was sordid.  Subtract
points if it sounds too much like an overweight fifteen year old Goth girl.

In five syllables, no more, no less, describe the worst job you ever had.  Same
as above.  Extra bonus points if it consists of Grim, Taxi dancer.

Here we go:

 Liquid Sky: Perhaps one of the worst films I have ever seen. Part sci-fi, part badly written, sleezy porno (without any porn!). It supposedly has a cult following, God knows why.

It takes place in NYC in the early Eighties. A flying light fixture saucer lands on a building’s rooftop (top notch special effects!), supposedly for the purpose of aliens landing on Earth in order to “feed” off of the endorphin rush that heroin addicts get when they shoot up (still with me?) but they then go on to find out that they get a much bigger jolt from the endorphin rush of someone having an orgasm! They “psychically bond” with this punk chick who has sex with both men and women (and in a special dual role where she plays both herself and her male partner!) and when her sex partners cum the aliens disintegrate them! One of her better lines in the film is when she warns someone that she “kills with her c*nt”…

By the way, we never see the aliens…

Netflix doesn’t carry it (big surprise) but amazingly enough, you can buy it at Amazon.com (and no, I won’t link to it! Ack!)

But I will show you the theatrical trailer!

Anyway here’s haiku line number one:

 Alien porn crap

The worst date that I ever went on involved a deaf guy and a horse auction.

Back in the good old days, kids, before the internet and MySpace and Craig’s List, gay men, who wanted more than just a “quickie”, used to “meet” via a quaint old medium known as the “personal ads” in the local “free” liberal newspaper. (At least they did in my neck of the woods…)

In desperation an attempt to meet my “soul mate”, I took out one of those ads. I received a few numerous responses, and set up a date with one of my correspondents. He mentioned in his letter that he was deaf, but, that didn’t concern me at the time. We would “find a way” to communicate!

Looking back on it now, his extremely poor penmanship and grammar should have set off alarm bells, but, as I mentioned before, I was desperate looking for love!

The next three hours were some of the worst in my life, bar none.

We arranged to meet at the Three County Fair in the neighboring city of Northampton, as he had mentioned that he loved horses. I thought that a public venue in a “family” setting would be a good first date considering that he could be an ax murderer we had never met before.

When I met him I knew that I had made a big mistake.

He was not my type at all. Picture the lead singer of The Buggles, except with much thicker glasses, frizzy hair, and bad acne:

Yeah. You get the picture.

And to top it all off, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

Well, let’s be fair. I could understand every fourth or fifth word. But any kind of meaningful conversation was definitely out.

We walked around the fair for a little while, looking at the white trash that go to these type of things the sights, and then through a series of sputterings and hand gestures he communicated to me that he wanted to go see the horses.

So we went to go see the horses.

They were having some sort of horse show/auction in the main arena, so we took some seats in the bleachers, and for the next hour my “date” ignored me, because he was busy watching the horses.

Except for right at the end of the show, when he reached over and started to grope and fondle my crotch.

In the bleachers.

In plain site of everyone else in the bleachers.

I hastily brushed his hand away, stood up, and told him that it had been just lovely, but, I had just remembered that I had a previous appointment, and I left. And that was the end of our date.

Haiku line number two:

Creepy grope in the bleachers

The worst job that I ever had was delivering pizzas during my sophomore year of college.

This was in the days before Domino’s and Papa John’s. It was a “Mom and Pop” type of place, except that “Mom and Pop” were a couple of cheap assholes.

We not only had to deliver pizzas, We also had to make them. And do all of the cleaning. Plus there was a small sit down area, so you would get people coming in and eating there too. But the kicker was, that there were never more than two people on duty at any time! And usually one of those people was out delivering pizzas!

I’ll never forget one night when it was just me and one other guy. And he was the one delivering pizzas that night. He went out with deliveries to three addresses and he was gone FOR TWO HOURS!!! I had to do everything else by myself. It was so busy that I couldn’t keep up, and had to tell some people that it would be over an hour wait for a pizza. I had no other choice.

Apparently the next day someone called to complain, and because of that, they fired me, and kept the other kid who had disappeared for two hours!! 

Believe me when I say that I wasn’t that upset about it…

Haiku line number three:

 Cheap pizza assholes

So, all together we have:

“Alien porn crap

Creepy grope in the bleachers

Cheap pizza assholes”

Aaaaah….so very Zen!

I tag Heterosexually Challenged, Kusala, Little House, PakiPopTart and Teacher Estrella!

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11 Comments

  1. mrpeenee said,

    June 14, 2008 at 12:20 am

    Darling, genius, just genius. Plus it makes your current life seem just swell, huh?

  2. Lemuel said,

    June 14, 2008 at 7:20 am

    very interesting concept! Loved the pizza story.

  3. Indigo said,

    June 14, 2008 at 10:39 am

    There was an eposide of Torchwood that had an alien that killed with sex too. Egads.

  4. urspo said,

    June 14, 2008 at 11:27 am

    what an interesting life you have led.

  5. deweydjb said,

    June 14, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    Well, I was not tagged, but I did it anyway! I like your stories. I am so glad you didn’t end up with creepy guy. Funny, my worst job was in an italian restaurant too. As you will read. (or might read..)

  6. Greg said,

    June 15, 2008 at 11:33 am

    Everybody’s worst jobs are in restaurants, eh?

    Great meme, nicely done!

    As for “Liquid Sky”, perhaps if you were terribly high or tripping, it might be interesting…but what it looks like this movie really needs is some kind of alternate, cooler soundtrack that you synch up with it…in the same way they suggest that Dark Side of the Moon can be synched up with the Wizard of Oz (not that I’m in ANY way suggesting that Liquid Sky and the W of O are in any other way comparable, mind you).

    Great post, Tiger.

  7. pakipoptart said,

    June 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

    wow! i’ll try my best, but yours will be tough to top! Especially the horses!!

  8. Cincy Diva said,

    June 15, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Wow! Pikachu sure has let himself go!

  9. Thistle said,

    June 15, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Hello friend. I wanted to write to you since I am presently incarnated. Hello and greetings. It is good to have your friendship.

  10. Dr. Sparky said,

    June 16, 2008 at 11:28 am

    Oh … how I wish that WAS Mr. Peenee!

  11. Gregory said,

    June 17, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    That really works as Haiku! I love it!


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