I Thought the Phrase was “Mud on Your Face”…

Well, as was expected, the last two family gatherings were just loads of fun!

The first gathering on Friday was an informal “picnic” at Husbandji’s brother A’s house.

The gathering consisted of A, his wife, the Darling Nephew, “M”, his wife “IW”, their two granddaughters “Frick and Frack”, Husbandji, myself and, of course, Tiamat.

Of course we had to pick up Tiamat to drive her over there, and as usual on the ride over she was just chock full of astute observations:

“TigerYogiji! Your shirt is red!!”

“Oooh! That sun is bright!!”

“Is this a new car?!!!”

And as usual, once we arrived at the picnic, she started screaming for the Darling Nephew to come and worship at her feet to come over to her and in general she just made a nuisance of herself.

And M’s wife “IW” was no better.

As was typical with her “four year old” mentality, she made a big announcement to anyone who would listen to her, that her daughter and son-in-law were going to Las Vegas on vacation!

But when asked where they were going to stay, she didn’t have a clue. Nor did she have any other details about the trip! (This is not unlike a child who will tell you something that they think is really big news that you need to know about, but, if you press them for further details they don’t know how to reply to you and just shrug their shoulders!)

So, this sort of foolishness went on for the next four hundred few hours, until it finally it was time to go.

And as we dumped Tiamat off at her home I thought to myself, “Well, it can’t be any worse tomorrow”.

How wrong I was.

Saturday we were invited to a birthday party for Husbandji’s niece at her house.

And, of course, we had to pick up Tiamat to bring her there as neither of Husbandji’s brothers could be bothered.

As we’re driving to the niece’s house, Tiamat started to speak to Husbandji in Italian about something.

As she normally only does this when she doesn’t want people who are around her to understand what she’s saying, I pricked up my ears to see what I could understand, as over the past eighteen years I have picked up a smattering of Italian in order to have some understanding as to what’s going on when Tiamat starts her foolishness and mayhem.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that she was telling Husbandji that she had called my mother to wish her a happy birthday! (My mother turned 80 on August 2nd.)

When Husbandji turned to tell me what she had said, I replied “Yes, I got that, and frankly I think that it’s pretty rude that she told you all of this in Italian right in front of me!!”

Tiamat immediately spoke and up and said, ” I thought that you understood Italian!!”, to which I replied ” Well not fluently! Besides, why couldn’t you just say that you called my mother in English?!!”

She didn’t have a reply to that, because she KNEW that I had caught her, as I’m sure she was saying more than that, but, she didn’t dare tell me what it was! And Husbandji couldn’t come to her defence because he realized the same thing!

The rest of the drive was spent in silence. Well, as silent as it can be with Tiamat babbling in the back seat…

We arrived at the niece’s house with Tiamat’s usual complaints about how she didn’t like the house or the neighborhood for that matter, as she walked up to the house.

Which of course EVERYONE at the house could hear as they were sitting on the screened-in porch!

As most of the family was already there, we made our “rounds” saying hello and such, and then found places to sit.

Tiamat, of course, had to be in the middle of things, so she dragged a chair over to a table in the middle of the room where there were snacks, and plunked herself down.

She then proceeded to scream talk to her son “M” who was on the other side of the room! Which made conversation for the rest of us somewhat difficult as we had to keep repeating things due to her “conversation” with her son.

M’s wife IW apparently hadn’t learned any new words from the day before, as she continued to tell people about her daughter’s trip to Las Vegas without having any additional information in regards to the trip. She would just raise her arms in a ” I dunno!” gesture if anyone asked for additional detail.

The birthday party was also a “picnic” with Husbandji’s niece’s husband manning the grill. (On a side note, I absolutely adore these two as they are two of the sweetest, most welcoming, and  intelligent people in this family!) Considering that they are recently married and still in their twenties, they certainly knew how to entertain! They put on a marvelous meal and made sure that everyone had everything they needed. (Something that certain relatives in this family who shall remain nameless, M and IW have yet to learn…)

I think that I have mentioned before how useless IW is. And part of that is due to the fact that M won’t let her do anything!

We don’t know if it’s because he wants to control every aspect of her life, or whether she’s just too stupid to manage any of it on her own.

More than once we have been to their house, and she has stayed in her chair the entire time while M ran around like a chicken with it’s head cut off handling everything.

I’ve said to Husbandji more than once that if he keeps doing everything for her, that he’ll be pushing her around in a wheelchair soon enough so that she won’t have to walk!

Well! That afternoon I saw the next step in the trip to that goal.

As we were eating, I happened to glance over at where M and IW were sitting, and I saw to my utter shock that M was cutting up IW’s food for her on her plate!!!! Apparently she couldn’t master the simple process of using both a fork and a knife at the same time anymore!

I nudged Husbandji to bring it to his attention. His reply was “The next thing you know he’ll be wiping her ass for her too”…

After that things stayed relatively normal.

Until it was time to cut the cake.

They did it in the backyard so that everyone could see the process (prior to this we had been scattered throughout the house and the backyard due to the large number of guests).

Everyone started to sing “Happy Birthday” to the niece. Everyone that is, except Tiamat.

She screeched it.

She does this fairly often at birthdays. She thinks it’s funny. She’s the only one who thinks this.

And of course she made sure that she was first in line for cake and ice cream.

But, Someone, somewhere, was watching out for me and knew that I needed a laugh.

Because the nex thing you knew, as Tiamat was waddling back to her lawnchair to inhale her cake and ice cream, she slipped on something and landed on her fat ass in the grass and dirt (it had been raining earlier in the day and the lawn was somewhat wet and a little muddy…) and the cake and ice cream went all over her!

As her concerned sons ran to help her, I had to turn away to avoid laughing out loud. (And I wasn’t the only one!)

Needless to say, that was our cue to leave.

After they were able to get Tiamat relatively cleaned up, we drove her home.

And she didn’t say a word the whole trip home. (On another side note, she was fine, the only thing that was bruised was her pride…)

I guess that miracles do happen after all…



  1. Lemuel said,

    August 6, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    Your experience with Tiamat’s Italian reminded me of an incident in my mid-20’s in which people I was dealing with in my new job started talking about me in PA Dutch (which is really a dialect of Low German). I do not really speak “Dutch”, but I know High German fairly well – well enough to understand what they were saying. I responded with a greeting common in both languages. I thought they would crap their pants. They never spoke in Dutch in front of me again.

  2. Mo said,

    August 6, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    Did you make her sit on a garbage bag, or newspaper, for the ride home in the back seat?

    I love your MIL from Hell stories!

    TigerYogiji replies: You bet your sweet life that I did!

  3. Steven said,

    August 6, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    Sorry to hear that you were not able to enjoy yourselves at these festivities. But I am SOOOO GLAD that you spoke up and chastised Tiamat for speaking a different language in front of you. I will see that happen from time to time with customers I serve and it annoys the heck out of me. And if it was a relative that did that I would probably be even more upset. Good for you!! 😀

  4. Patti said,

    August 6, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Oooh you get a gold star for not laughing. I would have been rolling (I lie I would have turned away also). I am glad you called her on the speaking in italian bullshit! Good for you! Thanks for the post. It was worth waiting for!!!!

  5. Raybob said,

    August 7, 2008 at 1:00 am

    The Lord works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform.

    So, get the Rosetta Stone in Italian and learn it! Wouldn’t that be fun to talk back?

  6. urspo said,

    August 7, 2008 at 1:21 am

    i swear you must make this up.
    but knowing you don’t, I wonder what sort of person were you in the last incarnation to be the one sane person to with this bunch.

    TigerYogiji replies: I assume that I must have been fairly awful to be punished for it so in this life… 😉

  7. Indigo said,

    August 7, 2008 at 7:54 am

    It does sound like Tiamat is a never-ending source of free entertainment — as long as you don’t have to be there to witness firsthand. I think she would make a great character in some British comedy (along the lines of “Keeping up Appearances” or the like.) Hee hee. I’m glad you survived!

  8. doug said,

    August 7, 2008 at 9:21 am

    That was hilarious! I am sure glad Tiamat got what was coming to her! And good old IW. Why does she need her food cut up? That is just odd. I am glad you can share these wonderful afternoons with your minions!

  9. The Brian said,

    August 8, 2008 at 8:49 am

    Har. What a story.

  10. Greg said,

    August 8, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Ahhh, a delightful summer picnic with family, what a joy, what a pleasure…what a laugh-riot! Glad you got some fun out of it, and hopefully you got to enjoy a little cake before having to get into the car and head home!

  11. Patti said,

    August 8, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    I loved this post so much i’m back to read it (and chuckle) again! Hope you & Husbandji have a wonderful (Tiamat-free) week-end!

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