And So, My Dahlings, I’m Back!

Has it been a month and a half already?!!

Time flies, doesn’t it?

Well! I wish that I could say that I have been on a spiritual pilgrimage to India, or shopping at the faaaaabulous department stores of Tokyo, or some other Auntie Mame-ish type of adventure all this time, but, alas, all the time gone has been spent at the Ashram and being mundane.

I still cannot access my blog at work, nor can I access most of yours, my dahlings, which explains the lack of comments from moi. So most of my “meaty” postings will have to be done on the weekend, or the odd evening when Husbandji and I aren’t having red hot monkey sex are spending a quiet, uneventful evening at home.

I’m home today because I took a “vacation day” off from work to bring Teddyji to the groomers and to do some other odds and ends around the Ashram.

Let me bring you up to speed with the past few weeks:

Tiamat is still being Tiamat. We’re STILL waiting to see if she will get any vision back in her eye or not. Husbandji doesn’t think that she will, but, he hasn’t given up hope just yet.

We had a call from the vet this morning. Teddyji had gone in for his yearly check-up this past weekend, and the lab tests came back this morning and his liver numbers are higher than they should be. The vet thinks that it might just be a “burp” as he put it (these high-falutin’ medical terms, I tell you!) so he wants Teddyji tested again in a couple of weeks and in the meantime he’s having us give him a Milk Thistle herbal supplement which he thinks may help.

Husbandji is off today as well (stupid, minor, Tiamat issues) and he was going to drop off a urine sample at the vet’s and pick up the milk thistle. I am also having him ask the vet what exactly his concerns are about the liver. When I have more news, you’ll be the first to know!

In other news, I have taken another step into the 21st Century, and bought myself a Kindle!  My only peeve about it so far, is that the somewhat esoteric type of books that I like to read are not generally available in “Kindle format”.  Hopefully that will change soon.

I can also report that I am once again recovered from my third, count them, THIRD! cold in the past eight months! I was seriously starting to wonder if this is the same cold that I came down with shortly after my father’s funeral in November, and it just keeps coming back and back and back…..

Well, I guess that’s all for now. I will try to visit you all in the next few days, and in addition to my “meaty” posts, I will add some fun filler! TTFN!

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Drips and Drabs

Hello All!

I’m still recovering from my bout with bronchitis so this will be a relatively short post.

Christmas came and went without too much drama.

We spent the morning at my sister’s, watching my 2 year old niece and nephew runs around the house like nuts, tearing open their presents (and anyone else’s that they could get to!). It was controlled chaos but it was lovely.

We were missing my father, but, fortunately there were only a few tears and we were determined not to tinge the day with sadness, as that was something that my father never would have wanted.

After a brief stop at home to take care of Teddyji, we headed over to Husbandji’s brother’s “A’ for the evening.

Of course Tiamat was there, and once again she managed to spill an entire glass of red wine on their beige carpet!!! (You’d think after last year that they would know better and just give her a sippy cup!)

Most of his family offered their half-ass condolences to me as they came in (as you’ll recall, almost none of them could be bothered to come to any of the services) to which I was gracious but not overly friendly to any of them.

The Darling Nephew was obviously on a Christmas present/sugar high as he was running around nonstop the whole night.

It had been a long day, and I was never so happy to see the Ashram and my bed that night!

In other news, against my better judgment, we stayed up past our bedtime to watch part one of Doctor Who: The End of Time on BBC America.

I have to say, I was underwhelmed. I sincerely hope that part two is better next week. Otherwise, it will be a very anticlimactic way for David Tennant to end his fabulous five year run as The Doctor.

 I guess that’s all for now My Minions. I’m going to go finish up some chores now and then rest for the remainder of the day. TTFN!

And, I’m Back

What a week it has been, my minions.

First, I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments, emails and cards. You will never know how much they all meant to me.

Now, back to the story:

Wednesday night we had the wake for my uncle. Surprisingly, very few people came.

I was especially disappointed in how few people from his church showed up, considering that my uncle was one of the pillars of his church (Episcopal) and had even been granted the title of Senior Warden Emeritus prior to his eventual transfer to the Soldier’s Home a few years ago.  I know that my mother was especially disappointed about the low turnout.

Well, at least their core circle of friends did come, and for that I’m grateful.

Of course, I guess that I was hoping for too much to expect Husbandji’s family to give us a fucking break behave appropriately during this trying time.

But, of course, they couldn’t.

I spent the better part of Wednesday morning dealing with their ridiculous bullshit!

In a nutshell: Husbandji’s brother, “M”, was planning on attending my uncle’s wake Wednesday afternoon and was planning on driving Tiamat to it as well.

I had spent half an hour with him on the phone the previous evening giving him detailed instructions on how to get to the funeral home in Easthampton (Because, of course, no one in Husbandji’s family EVER travels out of fucking Springfield!) and everything was all set.

Or so I thought.

Wednesday morning, M calls the house to tell me that he came to the realization overnight that there just wasn’t going to be any way that he would be able to make it to the wake that night because of the time constraints involved.

Apparently, he wouldn’t be getting home from work as a school crossing guard(!) before 5PM because apparently he walks each individual student home to their fucking doors and by the time that he and his idiot wife changed and went to pick up Tiamat and drove to Easthampton, they probably wouldn’t get there on time!

Whatever.

I could tell that he was lieing feeling extremely guilty about this, as he kept repeating this over and over and over, as though he were trying to convince not only me, but, himself as well.

So I told him that he “needed to do whatever worked for him” BUT that he would need to call his other brother “A” that morning to arrange for him to take Tiamat to the wake. I told him this at least four times during the conversation.

Twenty minutes later, Tiamat called.

M had called her and told her that they couldn’t take her and that SHE needed to call A to arrange for a ride!!!!!

So, of course, she was calling Husbandji about it!

She even had THE NERVE to ask me if she could ride up with us!

Or more accurately; “Could I ride with YOUZ???” (I thought that I was talking with Joe Pesci!!!)

To which I replied “No. the FAMILY OF THE DECEASED needs to be there early!!!”

So, Husbandji had to call A and arrange for everything.

And, as it turned out, A and Tiamat were the only two members of Husbandji’s family that showed up.

So, I guess I know where I stand in that family.

At any rate, the service for my uncle on Thursday was very nice. There were tears, but, there was also laughter, celebrating the life of a man who was as dear to me as my own father.

I shall miss them both terribly.

That;’s all for now. Talk to you all soon….

Full Moon at the Grocery Store

So, I went to the grocery store yesterday morning as I normally do.

And apparently no one told the crazies that the full moon wasn’t until today!

The store was much busier than usual (I go at 7:00AM to avoid the crowds!), and it seemed that no matter which aisle that I was in, some in-bred slack jaw would position themselves right in front of the item that I wanted, and just stare into space as though they were receiving communications from their friends on Jupiter.

But two instances stand out.

The first one was while I was getting my Stonyfield Farms Organic yogurt for the week.

This older woman (and I’m being kind when I say “older” , the bitch must have been pushing 75!) wheeled her carriage literally two inches from where I was standing, and without so much as a “by your leave” reached in front of me to get her week’s supply of Yoplait Light, which, had you seen this woman, you would agree she so desperately needed! (The bitch was big!!)

I proceeded to give her my patented “Look of Death” , but to no avial.  She was clueless.

The second incident was a little, oh who am I kidding? A LOT creepier!

I was in the checkout line being waited on by one of the regular staff, whom I like to call “Dawn of the Dead”, due to the fact that I have never seen a paler, more emaciated, creature actually moving around and about, outside of a zombie movie!

He had rung up my order, and he and one of the hunkier bagboys were bagging my groceries.

The only problem was that they were taking forever to do so!

At one point while I was waiting, I happened to look behind me in the line and realized that the person behind me was standing right next to me! (Whatever happened to personal space, I ask you?!!!)

I turned to him and apologized that it was taking so long, and meanwhile I noticed that he had bought exactly five items and thought to myself that he could have easily checked himself out at one of the “self service” registers that my grocery store has.

But one look at him made me realize that that little skill was probably beyond his means.

He was scary looking, My Minions!

To my surprise, he replied that it wasn’t a problem and he was actually going to congratulate me!

Huh?

He went on to say that he “doesn’t watch the news”, which only increased my puzzlement.

I looked to Dawn of the Dead to see if he knew what was going on, but, he appeared as baffled as I was.

The crazy person than said to me that he assumed that I had no idea what he was talking about! (Which was right, but, who in their right mind would tell this to a crazy person?!!)

He then proceeded to let me off the hook by telling me that he assumed that I didn’t watch the news either! To which I quickly agreed!

This made him laugh, and as at this point they had FINALLY finished bagging my groceries, I wished him a good day and got the heck out of there!

And if I see this person again next week, I’m either going to change my shopping time or change stores! I don’t need this drama, My Minions!

Thundercats: The Movie?

I never watched the cartoon myself, but, this, if it was real, would have been faaaaabulous!!

Drips and Drabs

Not much to report here kids.

Thanksgiving was the usual foolishness and mayhem with Tiamat.

It isn’t even worth a posting of it’s own as she did the same crap she does every year.

She whined, she complained, she made a pig of herself at dinner (shoveling it in even before Grace was said, the cow!!) and then after the meal she started clearing away plates to start washing them while people were still eating.

Sigh. Why doesn’t she just die? I ask you.

On the plus side, I’m finding that imbibing alcohol at these events is helping me very nicely thank you, in ignoring her completely! 😉

There was much talk about M and IW not participating in the family “Secret Santa” gift exchange, yet they could still afford a stupid pizza party for IW. (They don’t come for Thanksgiving anymore, as they go to IW’s daughter’s house for the day. No loss there at all…)

Christmas night, when we do the exchange, and if M and IW even come (which I’m laying odds that they don’t!) should be very interesting…

On Friday, my place of employment was open, so I worked. Thankfully it was as dead as a tomb in there so I got a lot done!

Husbandji took the day off to get the house ready, as we were having a friend of his, “N”,  from work, over for the evening. (We all work for the same company, but not in the same departments.)

N is a sweet gay guy in his mid twenties (Christ! I could be his father. How depressing…) and we spent most of the evening talking about other people at work and trashing them! Such fun!!

Today Husbandji is helping his brother A with some project at his house, and I’m sure that Tiamat had to tag along to “see the baby” (aka The Darling Nephew, who, as he is turning 4 this January, is no longer a “baby”, but she’s a stupid cow, so what can you do…)

Tonight, we’ll probably just stay in and watch the latest offerings from Netflix, and tomorrow I hope to get the last of the leaves raked up before Winter sets in!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

More “Freakazoid Dog Ju-Ju” (As AZ So Aptly Put it!)

For the last two days there has been a stray dog roaming around the neighborhood.

I first encountered him when I took Teddyji out for his evening walk on Monday.

We had just walked down our driveway and stopped at the next door neighbor’s mailbox for Teddyji to pee on to admire the mailbox’s design, when I happen to look up to see this dog sitting not ten feet away from us!

He (or she) was just sitting there. He wasn’t being aggressive or anything and seemed just content to stare at Teddyji, but, it gave me enough of a start to pick up Teddyji and march right back into the Ashram!

I told Husbandj about it and let Teddyji out in the backyard (which is fenced in).

“What is the deal with all of these dogs all of a sudden?!!!” I said to Husbandji.

He was out there again the next morning, so once again Teddyji was let out in the back yard.

After Teddyji was back in the house, I went back outside to see if I could get the dog to come to me, as I could see that he was wearing a collar, and as I had mentioned before, he wasn’t being agressive or anything.

He wouldn’t come when I called to him, and I knew better than to try to corner him, so I went back inside and called my friends at Animal Control. The person that I spoke with said that they would call the officer on duty. I was home for the next two hours and as far as I knew they never came.

The dog was gone when I went to work, but, I didn’t think for a moment that Animal Control had come and picked him up.

And sure enough, when I came home that evening, I saw him roaming the neighborhood!

By this time I was convinced that he was lost, but, I didn’t know what else to do!

Calling Animal Control didn’t seem to do any good, so I tried to go out again to see if the dog would come to me.

Only this time the dog was nowhere in sight.

He wasn’t anywhere last night when I walked Teddyji or this morning either.

So either Animal Control did come by and get him, or he found his way home on his own.

Or he’s still out there somewhere.

I’ll keep you posted if I see him again.

And in the meantime, I’m sending out a prayer to Lord Anpu to see if I can get rid of this dog juju!!

Drips and Drabs

Well, this cold hit me pretty hard as of Thursday night.

So hard that I called in sick on Friday and have done nothing until this morning.

Thank the Gods that UPS dropped this off Thursday night as well!!

So I have been awash in Time-Lordy Goodness for the last two days!!

In other news, we participate in a “Secret Santa Gift Exchange” with both families every year, and for Husbandji’s side we decided to decrease the dollar amount spent on the gifts, as the economy was hitting some family members harder than others.

Regardless, it came as no surprise to me at all, when we heard from Husbandji’s brother “M”, that they had decided that, even with the dollar amount decrease, they would not be participating in it this year.

What WAS a complete surprise, was that they were planning on celebrating IW’s (Idiot Wife’s) birthday at a local pizza parlor AGAIN this year at their expense, in early December!!

These people are basically living at the poverty level. They can’t afford to participate in a family tradition, which given their financial situation, I can understand.

But they can afford to spend money that they don’t have on a pizza party, and it isn’t even a landmark birthday!!

She’s turning 61!!!!!

The members of the family who have heard about this are just shaking their heads.

It’s just another example of M showing to his side of the family, that his own little “nuclear family” consisting of himself, IW and her side of the family, is more important to him than his own brothers and mother.

I told Husbandji that I was surprised that we were even being invited to the birthday party, but, Husbandji assumes that the reason that we are, is so that IW will receive more presents!

Unbelievable.

Husbandji also had to come to Tiamat’s rescue last night over a matter of dire importance.

Tiamat had been babysitting The Darling Nephew at her house yesterday, and the little imp has somehow managed to screw up her television!!

And since television is as necessary to Tiamat as air, Husbandji had to rush right over to fix it!

Later that evening, after he had gotten home, I could hear him on the phone with someone.

When I asked him who he was talking to, he replied “My mother”.

I said to him, “Your mother, whom you just SAW an hour ago?!”.

He said, “Yeah, I was calling to say Good-Night to her before she went to bed”.

Let’s all say it together boys and girls:

MAMA’S BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all I have for now kids!

But this Thanksgiving should provide me with plenty of tales to tell, as we are eating with Husbandji’s family this year, and as always, Tiamat will be in attendance!!

TigerYogiji Goes to Court

This past Thursday, I was summoned for Jury Duty.

I’ve done it a few times before, and while it’s always such fun to sit in a room with a bunch of ho bags and riff raff other citizens from our fair state, I have never been picked for a trial.

Until now.

It was inevitable, My Minions.

We were told that there were TWELVE judges with pending trials looking for potential jurors that day, so I KNEW that my number would be up at some point!

Actually, even though I ended up on a very odd case, I consider myself lucky.

The first trial that we potential jurors were brought down for, was a very high profile criminal case involving a man being accused of beating his step-daughter into a coma.

Horrible stuff that had been all over the news for months.

He had already been tried and found guilty in the court of public opinion and I thought that he did it as well.

So I told the judge that, and he excused me from serving on the case. And I wasn’t the only one.

Out of a potential 113 jurors over 80 of them were excused.

The case is supposed to take at least two weeks. Ack.

Of course, being excused from this case just meant that I went straight back into the “jury pool” to see if I could be placed on another case.

And lucky me, the next trial that came up I was placed as a juror.

This was the weird case that I mentioned earlier.

It was a civil case between the city and a businessman.

The businessman had received a small-business loan from a city agency in the late 80’s and the city was now suing him saying that he hadn’t been paying them back on a regular basis.

He was countersuing the city because they had put him on a published list of “deadbeats” and it had ruined his good name.

What apparently had happened was this. He had been making regular payments by check during the first ten years of the loan, but in the late 90’s he had been contacted by one of the agency’s administrators and told that the form of payment was now to change.

They now wanted all the payments made in cash, and the administrator would be coming in person to collect each of those payments.

Sound fishy yet, My Minions? It gets better.

About two years ago this agency’s “administrator” was arrested by the federal authorities for fraud and embezzlement of city funds and he is currently serving a very long term in federal prison!

So you would think that this poor man was just another victim of this administrator, and in my thinking you would be right.

But the city didn’t look at it that way.

They assumed that the man had stopped making payments in the 90’s and they were now going after him.

But, it’s not that simple.

Apparently in 2003 he had signed paperwork to refinance his loan with this same agency! Which to my thinking didn’t make a lot of sense if the city claimed that he owed them back payments.

Anyway, the case came to court and I was one of the jurors.

In the opening statements the lawyers for each side explained the case.

I assumed that the city’s attorney would try to prove that the defendant hadn’t made payments in almost ten years. And I also assumed that the defendant’s lawyer would try to show that his client had been making cash payments to this “administrator” and would have proof of those payments.

But you know what happens when you assume something, don’t you?

After the opening statements, the attorney for the city called their first, and as it turned out, only witness: the current executive in charge of the city agency.

The attorney spent the next twenty minutes recording various ledgers and documents as “exhibits”. She then asked the executive several questions that to my mind didn’t make a lot of sense, as far as establishing what the defendant had paid on the loan and as far as what he still owed. She would ask the witness to confirm the defendant’s signature on some documents from the late 80’s and other, in my opinion, pointless questions, and then she was done!

The defendant’s attorney was then allowed to cross-examine the witness. And again, I assumed that he would try to establish what had been paid and what hadn’t and what proof that the city had, but he didn’t.

He was worse than the city’s attorney as far as asking questions that seemed pointless and in many cases the witness, who you would have thought would be prepared to answer questions concerning the payment history of the defendant, didn’t have a clue.

And while all of this questioning was going on, it kept getting interrupted by at least four sidebar conversations between the judge and the two attorneys!

We couldn’t hear the conversations, but, I could tell that the judge was rapidly losing her patience with both attorneys!

After the defense attorney had finished his confusing cross-examination of the witness, the attorney for the city rested her case!! Which meant that she was done!

At this point the judge called for a short recess and we jury members were escorted to another room.

About ten minutes later the baliff came in and said that we would be going back into the courtroom in about five minutes.

Five minutes later the baliff came back in, only the judge was with him!

She told us that the case was over and she had ruled for the defendant!

She then sat down with us and for the next half hour tried to explain exactly what had just happened.

She apologized up front for what was basically a waste of our time serving as jurors, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that both lawyers would have done such a poor job in preparing for this case!

She told us that there had been at least four pre-trial hearings before this case actually came to trial and the only reason that she had allowed it to come to trial was that the city had shown paperwork that had been signed by the defendant, which, to her mind, meant that there was just cause for this case to go to trial!

She also told us that she was as confused as the rest of us as to the pointless line of questioning from both attorneys in regards to the one and only witness. And it had come as a complete shock to the judge when the city’s attorney had rested her case after establishing nothing!!!

Which is why she decided to stop wasting her time and the tax payer’s money any further on this case.

So basically, no one will ever know how much money the city is out from non-collection of this loan, because the city couldn’t prove a thing as far as what was paid and what was not paid. And since she had ruled for the defendant, he dropped his countersue case!

She thanked us again for our time and added to us that this isn’t normally how the justice system works.

And with that, my time as a juror (for at least the next three years) came to a close…

Making the Bed

Husbandji called his brother “M” this morning to see if he was free to go out for coffee, as they often do on Saturday mornings.

M’s idiot wife (IW) answered the phone.

IW: HELLOOOOOOOO?!! (She never answers a phone with a normal “Hello”. It’s always a nearly screamed HELLOOOOOOO!!!)

Husbandji: Hi IW, Can I speak to M please?

IW: Ooooh! He’ll have to call you back! We’re making the bed!

Husbandji: Um, okay. Have him call me when he’s done.

He’ll have to call you back, we’re making the bed?!!!!!!!!!!”

What. The. F**k?!!!!!

Heaven forbid you stop making the bed long enough to have a five minute conversation with your own brother! You might forget which part of the sheet you were tucking in!!!

Now I’ve heard everything…

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